Dealing with Conflict in Marriage: Effective Strategies from Gottman Therapy

Every couple faces conflict at some point in their relationship. How you handle it can make all the difference. Did you know that research shows 69% of marital conflicts are never fully resolved? This statistic highlights how crucial it is to approach disagreements in a way that strengthens your relationship. Gottman marriage counseling in NJ offers valuable techniques for managing conflict that can transform the way you and your partner communicate.

In this blog, we will explore some of the key strategies from Gottman Therapy that can help couples navigate conflicts in a healthier, more productive way.

Understanding Conflict in Marriage

Conflicts in marriage often arise because of differences in values, expectations, or communication styles. It’s normal to disagree with your partner, but the way you approach these disagreements can determine how the relationship progresses.

The Gottman Institute, led by Dr. John Gottman, has spent decades studying relationships and finding ways to help couples handle conflict. According to their research, many conflicts in marriage are solvable when approached with the right tools and mindset. Instead of avoiding issues or letting them fester, couples can learn to confront them with compassion and respect.

1. Softened Start-Up

A key principle in best marriage counseling in New Jersey is the concept of a “softened start-up.” This means approaching a conversation with your partner in a way that is gentle and non-accusatory. Instead of launching into the argument with harsh words or blaming, you can express your feelings calmly and explain the issue from your perspective.

For example, rather than saying, “You never help around the house,” try something like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with housework lately, and I could use some help.” This approach is more likely to invite a positive response and open the door to productive discussion.

2. Turning Towards Each Other

In Gottman’s research, he identifies the importance of “turning towards” each other during moments of stress or disagreement. When conflicts arise, many couples tend to “turn away” from each other, either by ignoring the issue or avoiding the conversation altogether. This creates emotional distance and can escalate the conflict.

Instead, by “turning towards” your partner, you show a willingness to listen, understand, and work through the issue together. Even if you don’t agree on everything, this approach can strengthen the emotional bond and foster better communication.

3. Focus on the Issue, Not the Person

One of the most damaging aspects of conflict is when it turns into personal attacks. Criticizing your partner’s character or pointing out their flaws only serves to deepen the divide. Gottman suggests focusing on the specific issue at hand instead of attacking the person.

For instance, instead of saying, “You’re so selfish for always putting your needs first,” focus on how you feel about the behavior. For example, “I feel hurt when my needs aren’t considered in our decisions.” This shifts the conversation from a personal attack to a shared concern that both partners can address.

4. Manage Your Emotions

Emotions can run high during conflicts, and this can lead to arguments spiraling out of control. One of the most powerful tools in Gottman marriage counseling NJ is learning to manage emotions during heated moments. Gottman recommends taking a break when emotions are too intense, as this allows both partners to cool down and avoid saying things they might regret.

During this break, it’s helpful to engage in activities that help you relax, such as deep breathing, listening to music, or taking a walk. Once both partners have calmed down, you can return to the conversation with a clearer head and a more open heart.

5. Create Shared Meaning

Gottman therapy emphasizes the importance of creating shared meaning in your relationship. This involves aligning your values, goals, and expectations as a couple. By discussing your dreams and aspirations, you can find common ground and better understand each other’s perspective.

When you create shared meaning, conflicts become easier to resolve because both partners are working toward a common goal. Whether it's building a family, pursuing financial security, or maintaining a healthy lifestyle, this shared vision helps to guide your decisions and reduce tension during disagreements.

Conclusion: The Value of Gottman Marriage Counseling

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you approach it can make all the difference. The strategies from Gottman therapy, such as softened start-ups, turning towards each other, and managing emotions, are designed to help couples handle conflicts in a healthier way.

If you’re looking for support in improving your communication and resolving conflicts in your relationship, Bergen County Marriage Counseling offers effective solutions based on the Gottman method. With the right tools and guidance, you can strengthen your marriage and create a deeper, more understanding connection with your partner.